the diagnosis

My mother was diagnose when I was on my 3rd year college.
I am studying at a private school, and we were already given the estimate of each therapy session.
It was much for us especially with the changing business environment at that time...
This is an added burden for Her and my family.
I even volunteered to delay my studies, but She insisted not to.
I am prepared to do it but I am afraid...
Yes I continue my Studies.

After the series of Test and Examinations...
My mother's case was Malignant.
A STAGE III BREAST CANCER.

I made some research at the Library and the Prognosis Is 70/30
Meaning a 70% chance of healing and 30% chance to live.
I almost cried seeing these findings...
But I believe that A great Miracle will Heal my Mother.

We even tried Faith Healing Just to ease the burden of these realities.
She tried to take almost all recommendations of Cancer Wonder Drugs...
For years this is our life.

The first medical procedure was very devastating for her...
She undergone TOTAL MASTECTOMY!
Her Left breast was removed from her forever.
This left a large suture from her breast and a void physically and mentally.

We can really felt these effects on Her although she always wanted to hide.
We know how traumatic it it for a woman who Value Beauty to lose Her assets.
A breast and hair.
Things that define a Woman.

We can only comfort her and Do all the things and encouragement that we know might help.
But to no avail, we really never created the right words...

After the 6 months of treatment...
I can feel Her weakness.
The Stress was overwhelming.

Talking on a friend day ago, He told Me that at least I am Lucky... That we made ourselves prepare for our mother's final outcome...That at least we were not shocked as that event arrives..
Maybe he's Right?
Or maybe we were just stronger to accept.
Although we were very Hopeful of Mothers healing and the best results of Her therapy.. Deep inside everyone of us is a fear...
However we hide away from it or convince ourselves of its absence, we were still reminded each Day.
But we never show this to my mother.
Also show this feelings of fear to us.
Each day is an ordinary day for Her.
Maybe my friend was just affected by the scenes from movies or t.v. about cancer patient and their families...
Sensationalized by media...
Because that's not how we feel, we never prepared ourselves!
we act normally for years after Her first Chemo.
But all those years are the yeas of fear and worry...
You try to forget the would be outcome... you try to prevent it..
And every time you remember you are suddenly in pain.
But you get to enjoy everyday of your life with her.
knowing that maybe tomorrow is the end of it...
For years...Her last 5 years had been enjoyment and mourning for all of Us.
Just to make her smile and laugh is a treasured event for me.

MAY

Shes a woman of faith.

Every May, she always performs her devotional ritual in Honor of the Virgin Mary.

We always went on a certain church.
It was a small church, near a fishing village on our province.
We would bring flowers and candles, also foods...
It was Her vacation from work and business.

As years passed...
I begun to be bored with this routine.
There were times that I wanted to be with friends, rather be with Her.

For so many years, we kept on doing this..
Until my college days, She even scolded on the phone if I told her that I will not come to join Her.

I do not know the reason why this is always done, ever sincee I learn how to remember.?

As years passed she always kept the devotion going and never became absent with Her pilgrimage.

Even on the days that Shes on Her weakest, becase of her health condition,
The day of Her pilgrim is Her Strongest...

Nuestra Senora De Salvacion
This is the title of the Virgin Mary of her pilgrimage...

Days before She Passed, my Grandmother told us
That my mother was speaking while asleep.
Shes telling something about missing the pilgrimage...

That Shes sorry for She cannot come this May!

I asked GrandMa, about Mothers May Pilgrimage to the Virgin...
And the reason why Shes so Devoted performing it, without an absent, even on the days where her body was weak?

GrandMa told Us that Her devotion started when She found out,Shes pregnant.
Specially when the doctor told Her of Her weak baby.
She started the May pilgrimage to keep hes baby strong, A promise to the Virgin That if she Deliver the child Alive...
She will be on the Church every May of her Life.

And that child shes Carrying is ME.

Thanks so much...

the news about mom

Yesterday after my job, I headed to a church...
I need to find some solitude at this moment...

A year ago it was my most memorable day of my mother...

My aunt called on my review class...

I burst in tears after hearing a threatening news, She's also in tears at that time...

I am miles away from her...
I keep my mouth shut, I lost my logic and reason...

I never remember crying for years, I almost forgotten how to...

But at that very moment, The only thing I can describe is that, TEARS is involuntary...

I tried to contact A friend But my phone is drain..
Maybe the hour calls that I should keep this very moment for myself...

I can never forget those time, The very moment I Cried aloud begging for God to keep my Mother.

It was the longest travel of my life...
I am waiting for something nobody would want to happen.
I can never forget those moments, when sudden flashes of my mothers life flash vividly on my memory.

I saw her every emotions,I saw her laugh, angry, suffer but never did my memory remembers that she cries..

I am on the bus at that time...
I wanted to cry but I keep holding my tears...
I wanted to see Her but afraid That something would happen
and that would be our Last.

I can never forget my Last conversation with Her.
The Fading voices of love for me and my siblings...
It was the last word from her...
To take care of my siblings...

I wanted to hug her at that time...

Maybe it was the reason why I cannot sleep a day before my Aunt called me.
Maybe it was her mind thinking about Her Sons and Daughter...
Cherishing the memories...

It was the day I never really prepared to have a stronger hold against..

I miss you MOM.